Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize