someone threw a dead crab at me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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