I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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