dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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