I faked an abortion last night.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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