I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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