my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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