Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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