i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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