Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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