And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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