Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize