I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
