Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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