I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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