Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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