I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
