Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
