i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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