all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
