All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
