Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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