i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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