Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
