shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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