Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
