Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I could fuck to npr.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
