I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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