No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
