If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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