oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize