Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
