you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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