I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I supernannyed him into submission
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
