omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
