My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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