I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
