I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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