is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
