i wish my penis had a tongue
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
