Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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