I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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