I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
