weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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