I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
