She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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