So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
