So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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