Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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