I could make wine with my vomit
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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