also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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