I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
