I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
