so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
