Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
