cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
