Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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