god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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