I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
